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  • Writer's pictureSaved And Loved

Chap 5, Icebergs That Sink A Marriage Like the Titanic

Airing Your Dirty Laundry In Public,

A door To Spiritual Warfare

At times, we all wish to reshape our partners into what we desire them to be. The little annoyances are like irritating mosquito bites. Instead of directly going to your partner and talking it out, some tend to complain about their unhappiness or troublesome thoughts about their partners to others.

Marriage is a gift from God.

So God created man in His own image; in the image of God He created him; male and female He created them. Genesis 1:27 MEV.
Then the Lord God said, ‘It is not good that the man should be alone. I will make him a helper suitable for him.’ Genesis 2:8 MEV.
Whoever finds a wife finds a good thing, and obtains favor of the Lord. Proverb 18:22 MEV.
Let your fountain be blessed, and rejoice with the wife of your youth. Proverb 5:18 MEV.

What happens within a marriage is between the husband, wife, and God. When other people get involved in this private circle of trust, it can undermine the spiritual fence protecting your marriage.

For example, when a couple starts to have specific issues in the marriage, the partner may confide with a friend or family member to let out all the secrets. A couple may even go to counseling to discuss their marital affairs. While some of this can be expected, healthy, and necessary, often it's destructive where the culture is designed to break the marriage than save it. People begin to take sides, even if not intentional, and offer their advice, which may not be biblical. When the spirit of Satan is involved, he only seeks to steal, kill, and destroy. John 10:10. Thus, you must test the spirit of those you confide in.

Beloved, do not believe every spirit but test the spirits to see whether they are from God because many false prophets have gone out into the world. 1 John 4:1 MEV.
Examine all things. Firmly hold onto what is good. 1 Thessalonians 5:21 MEV.

You ought to find a trusted believer in the Lord or your good pastor at church to share anything personal about yourself and your marriage. Most likely, Christians don’t consider this aspect of spiritual warfare where the devil is a roaring lion ready to devour.

Be sober-minded; be watchful. Your adversary the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour. 1 Peter 5:8 ESV.

It's a natural desire to share your problems with someone other than your spouse. But, it’s opening a spiritual door to others that should be kept closed.

Finding an equally yoked partner to share your life with is tough.

Do not be unequally yoked together with unbelievers. For what fellowship has righteousness with unrighteousness? What communion has light with darkness? 2 Corinthians 6:14 MEV.

This would mean that both of you are believers and live according to how Christ ordained marriage, where he is the head of the husband to lead the family.

For the husband is the head of the wife, just as Christ is the head and Savior of the church, which is His body. Ephesians 5:23 MEV.

If this is the case, you would also need all those around you to be believers who understand the fundamentals of God’s Word and apply it to their lives. The odds are that not everyone in your circle is a believer. This would apply to co-workers, friends, family, and all others who have any influence in your life.

So imagine that you are upset with your partner and someone from your social circle learns of your stresses and problems at home. If that person is not yet a believer, you are likely opening the door to ungodly spiritual influence. It's not that the other person is wrong or worships satan. But anyone who is not a believer does not have the Holy Spirit to govern their life and is subject to other spirits, not of God.

But the natural man does not receive the things of the Spirit of God, for they are foolishness to him; nor can he know them, because they are spiritually discerned. 1 Corinthians 2:14 MEV.
The Spirit of truth, whom the world cannot receive, for it does not see Him, neither does it know Him. But you know Him, for He lives with you, and will be in you. John 14:17 MEV.
But when the Spirit of truth comes, He will guide you into all truth. For He will not speak on His own authority. But He will speak whatever He hears, and He will tell you things that are to come. John 16:13 MEV.

Rather than advising you about the ways of God and finding the answer in the Bible, this person may try to appease you with what you want to hear, including leaving your spouse. Therefore, it's essential to whom you confide your problems. Otherwise, you will learn the hard way and possibly tear your marriage apart instead of saving it.

Complaining About Your Partner To Others

Many airs out their dirty laundry and ill will towards their partner, in and out of marriage, to others. By saying “I am glad he or she is out of my life,” or that spouse was no good, or something to that effect. These sayings are not kept to themselves but are shared with everyone they meet and all their friends to get confirmation and feel good about themselves. We can easily fall into this trap to bad-mouth our partners when things go wrong. You should not do this even if what you say about him or her is true.

Marriage is to be honored among everyone, and the bed undefiled. But God will judge the sexually immoral and adulterers. Hebrews 13:4 MEV.

First, when others hear you complain about your partner, this gets poorly reflected upon you. Second, it gets imparted to your circle of influence to where they may think about the same when they experience hardships in their marriage. So, a subtle social undercurrent constantly undermines a relationship and marriage by those who don’t have or practice a good marriage.

Let no unwholesome word proceed out of your mouth, but only that which is good for building up, that it may give grace to the listeners. Ephesians 4:29 MEV.

Besides that, they learn to be idle, and not only idle, wandering around from house to house, but also gossips and busybodies, saying what they ought not. 1 Timothy 5:13 MEV. [This verse is speaking about young widows remarrying, but this can also apply to all who are busy gossiping.]

If you are to respect your husband during the marriage (Ephesians 5:33), then you are to respect your husband out of the marriage. Similarly, if you are to love your wives during the marriage (Ephesians 5:25), you are to love your wives outside the marriage. It’s a lifelong contract with you, your spouse, and God. This is why God says that if you divorce your spouse, you commit adultery, and this spiritual bond can only be broken when the spouse dies. Matthew 5:32; 1 Corinthians 7:39. God placed these spiritual laws when two people become one flesh. Genesis 2:22-24. This one verse becoming one flesh is the most overlooked in the Bible, but it has an enormous significance in its application in the world today. While the divorce rate is over 50% in westernized cultures, the divorced remain spiritually tied to one another.

Gossiping About Your Partner To Others,

“Kevin Bacon Effect”

The other aspect of letting the boundaries slip around your relationship is that it eventually returns to the partner to break your trust. Within any close relationship, there are bound to be secrets. Allowing others into your private world, even if it seems perfectly harmless, can erode your partner’s feelings of trust in you and your relationship. If your partner finds out, they will feel betrayed or even humiliated, causing resentment and anger towards you.

Suppose you tell a friend a secret about your partner who doesn’t care about someone. Even if it's unlikely that your friend and this person would ever meet, there is a random chance they could at a party or supermarket. During this accidental interaction, things get mentioned inadvertently. Like all secrets, when let out, they spread like wildfire from person to person to lead back to the person that secret eventually was intended to be kept from—sort of like the Kevin Bacon effect, where six or fewer connections socially connect all people.

With today’s instant communications with social media, gossiping is done quickly and posted publicly. Therefore, all hidden things eventually get revealed when initially intended to be shared only with a close friend who then shared it with others, who then shared it publicly in record time.

A gossip betrays confidence, but a trustworthy person keeps a secret. Proverbs 11:13 NIV.
A perverse person stirs up conflict, and gossip separates close friends. Proverbs 16:28 NIV.
The words of a gossip are like choice morsels; they go down to the inmost parts. Proverbs 18:8 NIV.

Imagine your spouse learning of this gossip to know that you were the source of information to feel disappointed and hurt by your actions and lose your trust.

The heart of her husband safely trusts in her, so that he will have no lack of gain. Proverbs 31:11 MEV.

You jeopardize your relationship with your spouse even if your partner or this person may never find out. You could also feel guilty and nervous about what you did, causing other unintended emotional problems that can become troubling and problematic in your relationship.

If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and cleanse us from all unrighteousness. 1 John 1:9 MEV.

In conclusion, you must talk to your partner and discuss what is bothering you regularly. If you don’t talk about your issues, they will not likely change the offending behavior and work on a better marriage.

Alternatively, you shouldn’t constantly focus on all that bothers you to cause a miserable life for your partner to endure and live with you. There needs to be a healthy attitude to live and let live. It's essential to focus on your spouse's good and endearing qualities rather than always focusing on the negativity. Over time, your constant focus on the little annoyances can take root in your heart to want out of the marriage or start complaining to others to undermine it for your spouse to leave you.

As the head of the household guided by Christ, a godly husband should already know what to do. A godly wife will avoid all the issues discussed and submit to her husband. Still, a good marriage may require biblical and spiritual counseling. If you need help with your marriage, it's best to go to someone trained to do God's work in your life based on biblical principles to help guide your blind spots.

Sometimes, people stray in their hearts to follow their path and possibly betray you in doing so. Don’t stress; take it to God. If they listen to God, the situation can turn around. If not, let the partner go and find your solitude with God to restore your mind and emotions from all the hurt and pain caused by the damaging partner. Even when we try out best, we can’t make someone love us and always do the right thing.

Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. 1 Corinthians 13:7 ESV.
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