Chap 7, Icebergs That Sink A Marriage Like the Titanic
Sex is a complex subject for anyone to discuss with maturity. It's one of the primary reasons why men get into relationships and break out of them. Anyone today can have sex instantaneously with total strangers to make a committed marriage nearly extinct.
Do you not know that the unrighteous will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived. Neither the sexually immoral, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor male prostitutes, nor homosexuals. 1 Corinthians 6:9 MEV.
Women make themselves readily available to become sex on demand in person or online. They behave promiscuously because they think it's the only way to find a man and have a relationship. Others are promoting it as freedom from marriage to sleep with any man they want to feel empowered. They don’t think about the consequences and diseases that could make them sterile and lose all prospects of finding a good husband.
This is also true for men who are already culturally indoctrinated to sleep with many women as possible to feel masculine. Sadly, they, too, will eventually discover sexually transmitted diseases that they must deal with for the rest of their lives and spread them to others.
Herpes is the most common STD, and 70% percent of Americans carry this virus. According to the CDC, 1 in 5 people has STDs. Many other types of devastating diseases continually pop up as people lose their morals to sleep with anyone and anything. The gay community spreads its set of vile diseases like monkeypox today and aids. Herpes sores all over the body look very similar to monkeypox. No one is sharing this information with youth but actively promoting them to start having sex and being educated on perverted sex.
The promiscuous ones will eventually age and look haggard and diseased from exposing their bodies to anyone willing to sleep with them. Their brain chemistry also changes, and they can no longer be related to just one man and one woman relationship. It takes a lot of work and commitment to stay in it for the life of the marriage. The brain gets hardwired to their wild days like a street drug to become an addiction, similar to people getting hooked on porn or gambling. This is why God ordained sex to stay wholesome between a man and a woman in the context of marriage.
Marriage should be honored by all, and the marriage bed kept pure, for God will judge the adulterer and all the sexually immoral. Hebrews 13:4 NIV.
There are more websites and apps for people to meet and hook up than there are to find a partner for marriage. In the western world, no site exists to find a husband that is promoted as such. Instead, many sites are available to seek boyfriends and girlfriends for casual relationships, long-term relationships, hookups, infidelity, fetishes, groups, and online chatters for virtual sex. The list is endless. Even Christian dating sites are just that, “dating.” Active sex life is part of dating.
Flee from sexual immorality. All other sins a person commits are outside the body, but whoever sins sexually, sins against their own body. Do you not know that your bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your bodies. 1 Corinthians 6:18-20 NIV.
For this discussion, let’s say you are in a good marriage and no longer have to struggle to find a good husband or a wife. When young men marry, they assume he will be able to have sex on demand with their wife, and it will always be great as they imagined it to be or as it was at the beginning of the relationship. After a while, things change. Whether at six months, one year, or whenever, there will come a time when the frequency of sex varies. It could be that your partner is always tired from daily life, becoming ill, raising children, or just boredom, but it will change. Some of this is normal as a couple lives together for a long time and deals with life as it comes. Aging also decreases sex drive for both men and women. Stress can radically change a person’s sexual desire.
Despite the reasons, the Bible says that husband and wife should not deny the other for sex. Instead, it's the partner who controls the body of the other.
The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. The wife does not have authority over her own body but yields it to her husband. In the same way, the husband does not have authority over his own body but yields it to his wife. Do not deprive each other except perhaps by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control. 1 Corinthians 7:3-5 NIV.
This verse implies that a spouse wanting sex can be on demand and should not be denied by the other, having authority over the body. However, in many marriages, sex becomes a significant issue. Both have to agree to abstain from sex for a short period, not long term, so that Satan does not tempt them to sin.
When becoming sexually deprived, it can be fixed by communicating with each other about your needs and desires. The relationship can stumble and crash this iceberg if you don't share your thoughts. It may not fall apart immediately, but over time, the foundation will erode as the connecting power of sex falls apart. You may stay together for a while to raise your children or adjust to the lack of sex. Eventually, emotional imbalance sets in, and people start looking elsewhere for sex and fall into temptation, as the verse states.
Ashley Madison's cheating site has grown exponentially for married spouses to find their sexual partners online while remaining married. The statistics for America's sexual conquests are shocking. According to the website https://comparecamp.com/cheating-statistics, only 3% of Americans think premarital sex is immoral. That means the whole population has accepted that sex outside marriage is fine, contrary to what the Bible teaches.
Thou shalt not commit adultery. Exodus 20:14 KJV.
But I say to you that whoever looks on a woman to lust after her has committed adultery with her already in his heart. Matthew 5:28 MEV.
Thus, even Americans who say they are Christians are engaging in this. Around 30 to 40% of spouses cheat on each other. This number is likely much higher as it doesn’t consider online chatting in emotional relationships to talk about sex while still married. It could be increased as 70% of all Americans get emotionally or physically involved with others, not their spouse. This site also states that men “in the 51-59 age group have the highest infidelity rate at 31%.” The midlife crisis tempts men to seek other women and often get divorced to start new families. Even when they get old in their 70s and 80s, 25% of people still cheat. Another site, https://www.ryanhart.org/who-cheats-more-statistics, says the reasons why people cheat:
People have affairs for many reasons. They are after good sex, sure, but also after approval, support, kindness, security, someone to talk to, someone to have a relationship with.
They are seeking out partners who seem more supportive than the ones they have. It is not so much that they want something new as that they want something different.
All of the reasons boil down to having good communication and being emotionally bonded with each other, much more than the actual sex. The statistics show that as the marriage ages, the couple neglects their bond to begin to stray and have thoughts of divorce. Thus, you cannot ignore your spouse, deny sex more often than not, and expect your marriage to last.
Drink water from your own cistern, flowing water from your own well. Should your springs be scattered abroad, streams of water in the streets? Let them be for yourself alone, and not for strangers with you. Proverbs 5:15-17 ESV.
Likewise, husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way, showing honor to the woman as the weaker vessel, since they are heirs with you of the grace of life, so that your prayers may not be hindered. 1 Peter 3:7 ESV.
Navigating through this iceberg will take a lifetime since it requires you to practice patience, regular communication, flexibility, and love and affection throughout the marriage.
Above all, keep loving one another earnestly, since love covers a multitude of sins. 1 Peter 4:8 ESV.
No one teaches that sexual relations change over time, and a couple needs to adjust and accommodate as life progresses rather than give up and start over with someone else. Even if sex decreases as a couple of ages, there are other means of bonding and connecting to have a meaningful marriage without lessening the desire for sex to seek it elsewhere. It's how your relationship grew and bonded together where sex is not the primary thought but secondary to come together as it happens.
An old movie, “Made of Honor” with Patrick Dempsey, is a storyline of a young man who falls in love with his best friend who is getting married to someone else. He could not commit to her earlier out of fear as his aging father had married over six times. In the wedding scene, his dad gets married to wife #6, where his bride remains in her limo until they both can agree on the terms of sex in their prenup. He wanted terms for sex at least four times a week with oral sex. Once approved, the wedding proceeded. Of course, the dad divorced again and shared with his son that the only woman he ever loved was his mother, whom he lost when he was young. This story shows that wealthy older men marry younger women to negotiate how often they will have sex, while his young promiscuous son never had to ask for sex with strangers. This is not as uncommon as you might think. Thus, sex is a significant factor for men to stay in a marriage.
While it's equally important for men to connect with their wives, so they don’t lose the one thing they seek most from their spouse. Men connect with women through sex.
Let your fountain be blessed, and rejoice with the wife of your youth. Let her be as the loving deer and pleasant doe; let her breasts satisfy you at all times; and always be enraptured with her love. Proverbs 5:18-19 MEV.
Women connect with men through emotional bonding and showing love. That is how men learn to get women to desire them but forget this once they get married for a while. You can never stop doing what you did to connect in the first place. Although the frequency will change, your actions and desire for each other should not change if both of you stay connected emotionally to get what you want physically. If you forget, take time out of your everyday routines and start dating again. The problem is that most old tired couples who have had enough don’t want to reconnect but find a new high with someone else. Thus, you must do the work all along your marriage and not wait until it's too late, having lost your emotional and physical bond. The key is loving and practicing patience with open communication to regularly tell your partner what you need and desire.